Life passes in a blue...

I know its been months since I last wrote in here. I keep coming back to write... and thinking of lots of things I want to write and then I get here and my mind is a blank. I just cant seem to get it together enough to be comprehensible.

I am now 15, nearly 16 weeks pregnant with our rainbow. So it's coming up to *that* time when I lost Emily and I'm finding it a daily struggle. Infact I have found most of this pregnancy a daily struggle, I live in fear of something going wrong. What I dont know, just something... anything.

After losing Emily I surronded myself with others in similar situations... all suffering a loss. And I am so thankful for each and everyone one of those women who reached out and took my hand and helped me along the way but sometimes I find myself thinking that I maybe did the wrong thing, because now all I think about is loss and I'm so aware of the many different ways people have lost their angels. Its so cruel.

I dont know. There I go again, rambling, not making any sense to me let alone anyone else. Just thought I should give a little update incase anyone does read this as I still have it linked in my signature on BnB.

Maybe one day I will get it together enough to come back and update properly. Until then life is just passing me by in a blur as I try hard not to acknowledge too much the baby growing inside me incase it is all snatched away again.

Knocked down... again and again and again

There is always something that manages to smack me in the face... every time I start to feel 'ok' something happens that knocks me down again.

I was feeling ok this morning, I was just about to get ready to go to the cemetery before I go to work this afternoon and checked my emails - I have one that says 'Is your nursery ready yet' and I felt the icy chills run down my spine and that crashing feeling...

Or like last week when I started back at work I was doing OK till I was clearing out my 600+ emails and came across one from one of my colleagues organising a collection to send me flowers and telling them about Emily. I actually collapsed off my chair and had to run out the office crying. I got sent home early.

Then the other night again in work I had been laughing and joking with colleagues getting on OK, I am on a phased return so working less hours so I said goodbye to them at 8pm and headed for the door only to walk right into my other colleague who is pregnant (due 4 weeks after I was) talking to someone else about how big her bump was - that was it - instant tears I had to sit in my car for over 20 minutes before I could gather myself enough to drive home.

I could keep going on and on with the examples!

Why does this happen? Every single time I think I am coping, getting on with things I get smacked in the face again!  I know its only a stupid email but its made me feel so bad - like I'm upset now I've seen it but why wasnt I upset before it? How dare I be thinking I feel 'ok' when my daughter is dead.

Joy and Sorrow

I will not let the pain of her death overshadow her life. The joy and love she brought will forever outlive the pain of her loss.

 - Mary Young

I have read this quote before. It is one of the quotes used on Carly Marie's Babylost Calendar 2011. And it came back to me tonight during a conversation with my mum about Emily. I think I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog too but our conversation has made me want to touch on it again tonight.

Most people assume that because my pregnancy ended in tragedy and despair that this is what describes it. There's that girl, you know the one that lost her baby. So tragic. And whilst its true that not having a baby to bring home is indeed tragic and causes more despair than words can adequately convey I also have so many happy and positive feelings associated with my pregnancy. And it's nice to speak about these times and remember them too.

I remember the conversation my partner and I had when we decided to try for our first baby, to start our family. It sort of came out of the blue. Don't get me wrong in the 8 years we have been together we have always spoke about our future family but this was different - this wasn't about 'one day' this was about 'today'. We decided the time was right and I remember being so excited! I am a planner, a list maker and I started straight away. I spent hours in the following days looking on baby websites, daydreaming about cots and prams, blankets and bottles, teddies and trinkets. We discussed possible names for hours on end, never finding one that we actually agreed on and eagerly planned how the spare room would look as a nursery. Excited was an understatement of how we both felt!

I also remember vividly the day we told our parents. We had my mum come over and when we told her 'Your going to be a granny' she shrieked with happiness! She hugged me and cried and then hugged my partner and said 'Well Done'. Then we all laughed at her. We took the dogs to the local park and the whole hour we were walking she couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sure who was more excited!

I remember laughing so much at my partners face when we had our private scan at 8w+4 - he had been so sure it would be twins (wishful thinking more than any kind of foresight) that when the sonographer said there was one baby he almost looked disappointed!

Or a few days before my 12 week scan when my mum and I had went shopping in town. We had just about finished when we decided we would take a wander into John Lewis and have a look at the baby section - in particular the cots because my mum had decided she wanted to buy her grandchilds cot and bedding. We ended up spending over an hour ohhhing and ahhhing at all the cute baby items they had and had a wander over to Mothercare where we ended up buying their 'Jungle Family' bedding because it was on special. I remember we had a conversation about whether it was OK to buy it or not because I hadn't had my scan yet and then dismissing our doubts as silly. Oh if only. What a perfect day we had, no worries just lots of happiness - looking forward to our future little bundle of joy.

And even when things were getting bad and we had the Turner Syndrome result confirmed I remember feeling also a strange kind of happiness that I was carrying the little girl I had wished for. My very own little princess.

It is these and many more moments, which at the time seemed just ordinary everyday happenings, that now fill me with a sense of comfort, joy and happiness.

She is my daughter and yes we lost her to Turner Syndrome and that has devastated our lives but she also brought us so much happiness that will never be forgotten..

Love you Emily xxx

On Joy and Sorrow

(Kahlil Gilbran)

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your

laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your

tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your

being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very

cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your

spirit, the very wood that was hollowed

with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into

your heart and you shall find it is only that

which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in

your heart, and you shall see that in truth

you are weeping for that which has been

your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than

sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is

the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits

alone with you at your board, remember

that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales be-

tween your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at

standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to

weigh his gold and his silver, needs must

your joy or your sorrow rise or fall

A Day of Rememberance... A Day of Reflection

Yesterday, October 15th was International pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. And it's a day as a baby loss mother we were well aware of approaching. But I wonder how many others were aware of it? This October so far I have heard about Breast Cancer awareness week and even chocolate week but so little from other people about the 15th.

And yet the statistics and percentages of losing a baby happening to you or someone you know are horrific. 17 babies die every day in the UK from stillbirth, neonatal death and SIDs. That doesn't take into account the tiny ones lost through miscarriage, or 2nd trimester loss before 24 weeks. I dread to think what the numbers would look like with these included. And that's just for the UK.

An estimated 1 in 4 women will suffer from pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 100 woman will suffer multiple losses. And still people wont talk about it. People wont admit it is such a common occurence. So many are left to grieve in silence, alone.

October 15th is everyones chance to stand together and say - We remember our babies. To show the world that the did exist, that they were wanted, that they are loved and missed always.

Emilys memorial candle, her name in the sand pic, willow tree 'guardian' ornament - female clutching newborn infant close to her, tiny hat knitted by an angel mum from Calvins Hats, tiny teddy that Emily also has one of in her forever bed and 17 lit tealight candles to represent all the angel babies.

Lit candles in rememberance of all our babies gone too soon.

Always in our thoughts.

Forever in our hearts.

Whilst lighting my candles and photographing them I felt myself reflecting on lots of different aspects of my loss and how it has changed me. I felt strangely comforted later when I seen photographs of other lit candles from all over the world via facebook, blogger and an online forum I am a member of. It was comforting to know that candles were glowing bright all over the world for all our angels. It gave me a sense of unity, of friendship of 'belonging' that I feel has been missing since losing Emily. On that day my world stop turning - everything changed and for those around me their lives kept moving forward. Yes they were affected by my loss but for them life had to continue. And I guess I felt alone, isolated, left behind. Even in a room full of people. October 15th made me realise that I am not alone and for that I am grateful.

I light this candle in memory of

Emily McDonald

Born sleeping on the 24th July 2011

To remember is painful,

To forget is impossible.

Gone and Left a Beautiful Hole In My Heart

78 days.
11 weeks.
2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days...

I thought I would get stronger, as time passed. I thought the hurt would feel less raw. I thought I was one of lifes 'copers'. I thought I could learn to cope even with this. But now I don't know if I ever will. I can't cope anymore. I'm not coping. Infact as time passes I feel like I've got less and less control over myself. Instead of getting easier, it feels like everything has gotten ten times harder. I've lost count of the amount of people who keep giving me some platitude or other - It will get easier, Times a great healer, etc. But they're wrong, I don't think it will ever get easier.

Time does not bring relief 

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950). 

And it's all I think about every single second of every single day. Round and round and round my head - Emily, Emily, Emily! My baby, my daughter, my princess. She should be here soon. I should be feeling her kick. What would she have been like? What would life have been like? I would have loved her no matter what. Why her? Why me? Why does she get to have her baby and I can't have mine? Did I do the right thing? I wish I could go back in time and see her again. Does she forgive me? All of these questions at a million miles an hour over and over and over again. No matter what I do she is there and even when I do smile or laugh my thoughts at the back of my mind are still about her.

I sit and watch people around me going on with their lives and I feel stuck. I don't want to get better if 'better' means forgetting her or not thinking about her 24/7, because she deserves to be remembered. But I can't go on like this either. My head hurts from it all. Everything hurts. I just want everything to stop. I want to scream and shout and stamp my feet - THIS IS NOT FAIR!

I know it's such a cliché but it's true - I feel like someone has carved a huge hole out of my insides. My heart physically aches and nothing I try and do stops that hurt. I can't even explain it properly. I feel empty. Incomplete. Adrift. And I feel like no-one around me understands and not for want of trying. I mean, I know my family and friends try to understand - they have their own pain over losing her too. And no doubt it is painful for them to see me hurting. But it's not the same. No-one truly knows how I feel. It's such a basic human thing isn't it? To be pregnant, millions of people all over the world do it every single day. And yet I couldn't. I was the one responsible for growing her, for keeping her safe for 9 months - and I couldn't even do that properly. I know they tell me it was chromosomal and there was nothing we could have done - that it was 'just one of those things' but it doesn't take away any of that sense of failure. I let her down and then I let them take away her life.
What kind of mother does that make me?

You've gone.

Gone and left a beautiful hole in my heart.

Freaking out

I have resumed back to work. I start back tomorrow. I am totally freaking out tonight

Its been 11 weeks I should be stronger. I should be able to do this. But I dont think I can. I just had to call in as a formality to log my return to work and it was one of my colleagues I got on the phone - he said 'Oh are you feeling fighting fit now' and I felt like sobbing right there and then - no I'm not fighting fit I want to spend another 11 weeks curled under the duvet But I cant. My pay stops on wednesday and I cant afford to live with no pay.

Then one of the managers just called me to tell me the new carpark rules as I wont be able to park there tomorrow because I dont have a new pass - well she said 'it will be good to have you back, we're all excited to see you' which should be good right? but its not. I dont want people to look at me - I cant stand that look of pity in their eyes.

I cant do this. I cant breathe. I cant stop crying. But I have to. I have to get a grip. Just breathe. Just do this.

I'm sure after tomorrow it will be easier. I just have to get this out of the way.

Courageous or just desperation?

Immediately after losing Emily I told my partner that I never wanted to go through this again, that I never wanted to have another loss so that had to mean that I never would have another child.

The next day that thought completly u-turned and I was suddenly desperate to have another baby. To try again. I hate that phrase by the way, to try again, it sounds like something you would say to a child who picks the blue crayon when you asked them to find the red one - Oops you got that wrong, lets try that again. Anyway with the 8 weeks of bleeding we obviously didn't have the chance to "try again" and we wanted to wait and speak to our doctors etc first.

Well our OBGYN consultant said she recommends waiting 6 months but that there is no real reason why we cannot try as soon as we wanted. A week after that appointment I was rushed into hospital for an emergency ERPC due to retained placenta! But again the doctors said there was no real reason to wait. I even triple checked with my GP who said the same thing!

So off we starated on this journey again - Trying to Conceive.

We haven't told anyone yet and I dont think we will. I change my mind on a daily basis about when I will tell people we have actually managed it again. There are days when I think I would want to shout it from the rooftops - I am pregnant - I have something to smile about again! And there are other days when I think I wont tell anyone until we get that first ultrasound that puts us in the clear because I dont want to tempt fate. I am undecided so I guess we will simply have to wait and see what happens when it happens!

So anyway, the point of this blog was that someone on an online support forum called me 'courageous' for wanting to try again. But I dont know. Is what I am doing courageous? Or is it sheer desperation?

I certainly dont feel courageous.

But desperation?
I certainly feel desperate to be pregnant again.
Desperate to have that little life growing inside me.
Desperate to have the chance to do it right this time.
Desperate to see my healthy baby on an ultrasound.
Desperate to hear the sonographer say 'congratualtions' instead of 'I'm sorry but...'.
Desperate to feel my baby kick inside me.
Desperate to be able to buy things and to decorate the nursery.
Desperate to bring my baby home and hold them.
Desperate to be a family - to make my partner a daddy.
Desperate to be able to buy my baby things and not just memorial items to take to a grave.

I am desperate. Desperately wanting my Emily back. And now I'm not so sure if that desperation of wanting her back is the same as wanting another child. Do I just want these things? Or do I want to do these things with her? Because it is her I love - not just A. N. Other child. *sigh* I dont know.

Its not the first time either where people have commented about how 'brave' I am or how 'strong' I am being. I am neither courageous, brave nor strong. There is no other option but to battle through these dark times. Trust me if there was another way I would have done it by now! You really do just have to get on with things. That doesn't mean I am strong, it doesn't mean that I like it either - it just means what it is. Life. And life sucks!

So onwards on our journey we go... Who knows where it where the road will take us this time?