Needing the needle...

I've often thought about getting a tattoo and then laughed at myself for even thinking about it! I would no doubt get something and then 2 days later wish I had gotten something else. Or wish that I could rub it out altogether. I tossed around some ideas in my head of what I would get but nothing has ever seemed right.

So I decided it was unlikely I would ever get a tattoo.

And then we lost Emily.

Since losing her I have felt an intense desire to find some way, any way, of keeping her with me. With pregnancy loss being such a taboo subject - no one wants to even imagine it exists so why would they talk about it? So I'm struggling along. I have found a lot of support online, connecting with other baby loss mothers. Other families devastated by the loss of a much wanted baby. And it helps, it really does, to have someone understand just what you are feeling and thinking - someone to walk this path with.

But I still have this longing, this need for something physical. The only way I can describe it is a longing to hug someone - I physically ache for Emily, I want to hold her in my arms and protect her. But I cant. I know thats impossible so I have decided to get something that will act as a constant reminder that she existed - that she was my baby girl.

The first thing I done was order a beautiful necklace from Allison at www.pastelprints.co.uk. It is called the Angel Wings Memorial Necklace and this is mine -

It is incredible. And it means more to me than words can ever tell. It has an angels wing, a little tag with Emily on it, 2 birth-stones - Ruby for July when Emily was born and Garnet for January when she was due as well as her hand and footprint on charms. I wear it everyday with pride and hold it close at night whilst the tears fall as I go to sleep.

But even now I am scared of the day when I take it off. Right now I cant imagine ever taking it off - but years down the line I know I probably will. And then what?

And so I have decided to finally get that tattoo.

I dont get to see my baby growing in front of me I dont get to hold her. I believe that a tattoo will be my way of taking that emotional pain to a physical place. I will be changing my body in a physical way just like my emotional side has been forever changed when I lost Emily.

I even have an idea in my mind of what I want it to look like. Now I just need to find someone to do it and the courage to go through with it.