Courageous or just desperation?

Immediately after losing Emily I told my partner that I never wanted to go through this again, that I never wanted to have another loss so that had to mean that I never would have another child.

The next day that thought completly u-turned and I was suddenly desperate to have another baby. To try again. I hate that phrase by the way, to try again, it sounds like something you would say to a child who picks the blue crayon when you asked them to find the red one - Oops you got that wrong, lets try that again. Anyway with the 8 weeks of bleeding we obviously didn't have the chance to "try again" and we wanted to wait and speak to our doctors etc first.

Well our OBGYN consultant said she recommends waiting 6 months but that there is no real reason why we cannot try as soon as we wanted. A week after that appointment I was rushed into hospital for an emergency ERPC due to retained placenta! But again the doctors said there was no real reason to wait. I even triple checked with my GP who said the same thing!

So off we starated on this journey again - Trying to Conceive.

We haven't told anyone yet and I dont think we will. I change my mind on a daily basis about when I will tell people we have actually managed it again. There are days when I think I would want to shout it from the rooftops - I am pregnant - I have something to smile about again! And there are other days when I think I wont tell anyone until we get that first ultrasound that puts us in the clear because I dont want to tempt fate. I am undecided so I guess we will simply have to wait and see what happens when it happens!

So anyway, the point of this blog was that someone on an online support forum called me 'courageous' for wanting to try again. But I dont know. Is what I am doing courageous? Or is it sheer desperation?

I certainly dont feel courageous.

But desperation?
I certainly feel desperate to be pregnant again.
Desperate to have that little life growing inside me.
Desperate to have the chance to do it right this time.
Desperate to see my healthy baby on an ultrasound.
Desperate to hear the sonographer say 'congratualtions' instead of 'I'm sorry but...'.
Desperate to feel my baby kick inside me.
Desperate to be able to buy things and to decorate the nursery.
Desperate to bring my baby home and hold them.
Desperate to be a family - to make my partner a daddy.
Desperate to be able to buy my baby things and not just memorial items to take to a grave.

I am desperate. Desperately wanting my Emily back. And now I'm not so sure if that desperation of wanting her back is the same as wanting another child. Do I just want these things? Or do I want to do these things with her? Because it is her I love - not just A. N. Other child. *sigh* I dont know.

Its not the first time either where people have commented about how 'brave' I am or how 'strong' I am being. I am neither courageous, brave nor strong. There is no other option but to battle through these dark times. Trust me if there was another way I would have done it by now! You really do just have to get on with things. That doesn't mean I am strong, it doesn't mean that I like it either - it just means what it is. Life. And life sucks!

So onwards on our journey we go... Who knows where it where the road will take us this time?