Why is it always last thing at night when I am trying to go to sleep that my mind starts racing - a thousand thoughts per minute running through it. I always think to myself - I should turn the laptop on and write some of this down, get it out, but I never do. Instead the thought - I really should go to sleep - wins out and eventually the tears stop and I fall asleep probably through exhaustion. I should probably keep a notepad on the bedside table so that I can take notes, as normally by morning I have forgotten the detail of what was going through my mind and therefore have nothing to write! I should add that although I forget the detail I dont ever forget the main theme - and that is always Emily. She is in my every waking thought.
Someone said to me on the day of Emilys funeral "You may not know why this has happened to you now, but in years to come maybe you will begin to understand that there is a reason for everything." And I remember thinking 'You insensitive bitch' How would I ever come to accept that my daughter dying, that my daughter not having a chance to live, to be loved, happened for a reason? What possible reason is there on this earth for that to happen!? I dont know how I managed to not explode on that person that day - I think it probably helped that I was on auto-pilot otherwise I might have said or did something I would regret. Either way I was thinking about it again today and got just as angry and upset as the first time they said it. I dont think I will ever understand it. It makes no sense. Why do other people get to keep their children? Take home their babies? What did we do that makes us unworthy? Undeserving? Why are we being punished?
It made me think of this quote
"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
And I suppose its true. This whole experience has changed me, I've said it before. I could never have predicted this would happen, but it has and my life will carry on. It will never be the same as before, everything has changed and that will affect my future forever. And I do think of how different it could have been - I spend most of my day thinking this! What if we hadn't conceived on the day we did? Would I still be pregnant? Would we still be eagerly awaiting the arrival of our little one? Maybe, but then that wouldn't have been Emily - it would have been someone else, someone different. And as much as I wish she were still here and still going to be a part of our family I do not for a moment ever wish she never was. So here we are, the present, changed people in a changed world forging on with our future but wishing so hard for the past - the time when everything was 'ok'.
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