A touch from a stranger...

Yesterday I found this poem:

Angel mums together

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age , we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Mums
and together we are strong!

And thought about how true it is. I feel I have more in common with strangers  - other mums who have suffered the same loss as me - than with some of the people I have known for years. Only they know my pain and grief - there are really no words to describe it. How do you grieve for a person you never got to know, for a relationship that ended before it really began. Its not a sadness for the person who lived and died but for the hopes, plans and dreams that you had for your baby and your family. I grieve for the loss of the future I dreamed we had, of never having the chance to be a mummy to my beautiful daughter. I'm sad not only for what I have lost but also for what will never be.

 A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!

Yesterday I went to visit Emily's grave. Its so peaceful there and yet so very very sad. She is in the Baby Garden section of the cemetery so all the surronding graves are of babies who never got to make it into their mothers arms, or babies who died shortly after birth. I was there tending to her flowers, silent tears flowing when another family came to visit one of the graves nearby. They were only there for a few minutes just tending their baby boys grave but as they were leaving the mother noticed I was crying and asked if I would be okay. I stood up and told her that I would be fine and she wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me. It was the most heartfelt hug ever. In that moment without words we both knew we shared the same pain. We spoke for a while about our babies and our losses and she made me realise something important - I'm not just a person who has lost her baby - I am a mother who has lost her daughter. My daughter might not be here, she might never have looked at me and said 'mummy' but I am no less a mother than any other.

Its true, other people will probably never speak of me being a mother. Losing a child is an unthinkable horror that no-one wants to think much less talk about it, so for others it will be easier for them to pretend it never happened - to brush it under the carpet. I will forever be that 'thing in the room' that everyone knows is there but wont ever speak of. And because no-one ever got to meet Emily it will be easier for them to be that way - they didn't see her so she wasnt there. But she was, I went through my pregnancy - we seen her on the scans waving her arms and legs, sucking her thumb. I felt her move inside me. I seen my body change through pregnancy. And I gave birth. We seen her perfectly formed but tiny little body and wished her goodbye.

I am Emilys mum and I always will be.

I will never forget my daughter. She may not be with my physically but she will never leave my heart. She is a part of me, the whole of me. And whilst the loss of her is the worst sorrow of my life it is only true because her being was the greatest joy.