People keep asking me the question 'How are you?' and I have no idea how to answer it. I find myself saying 'I am OK' but I am anything but ok. I want to scream and shout and cry every minute of every day. There isn't a second that passes where I dont think about Emily, where I dont wish things were different. Oh how I wish they were different.
I guess I should start saying 'I am coping' because thats probably a better description of my day. I had a doctors appointment today because my sick line was due and she, like everyone else, asked me how I was and if I was eating and sleeping... I said I was 'ok' (theres that word again) and that yes I was eating and sleeping. What I didn't say was that I am not 'ok' but I am getting good at faking it and although I eat I dont taste anything and I sleep because its the only time I dont hurt - from the minute I wake I spend my day counting down the hours until it seems acceptable to go to sleep again. I stare at the TV but dont watch anything. I basically go about my normal day doing normal things but feeling anything but normal inside.
Its hard to describe to anyone who hasnt been through it. How do you go about being OK when all your hopes and dreams have been shattered? When the world you thought you knew has changed so completely? When tomorrow feels like forever away, another whole day apart from Emily... just another day to cope through.
I guess this is my new kind of okay.
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