Gone and Left a Beautiful Hole In My Heart

78 days.
11 weeks.
2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days...

I thought I would get stronger, as time passed. I thought the hurt would feel less raw. I thought I was one of lifes 'copers'. I thought I could learn to cope even with this. But now I don't know if I ever will. I can't cope anymore. I'm not coping. Infact as time passes I feel like I've got less and less control over myself. Instead of getting easier, it feels like everything has gotten ten times harder. I've lost count of the amount of people who keep giving me some platitude or other - It will get easier, Times a great healer, etc. But they're wrong, I don't think it will ever get easier.

Time does not bring relief 

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950). 

And it's all I think about every single second of every single day. Round and round and round my head - Emily, Emily, Emily! My baby, my daughter, my princess. She should be here soon. I should be feeling her kick. What would she have been like? What would life have been like? I would have loved her no matter what. Why her? Why me? Why does she get to have her baby and I can't have mine? Did I do the right thing? I wish I could go back in time and see her again. Does she forgive me? All of these questions at a million miles an hour over and over and over again. No matter what I do she is there and even when I do smile or laugh my thoughts at the back of my mind are still about her.

I sit and watch people around me going on with their lives and I feel stuck. I don't want to get better if 'better' means forgetting her or not thinking about her 24/7, because she deserves to be remembered. But I can't go on like this either. My head hurts from it all. Everything hurts. I just want everything to stop. I want to scream and shout and stamp my feet - THIS IS NOT FAIR!

I know it's such a cliché but it's true - I feel like someone has carved a huge hole out of my insides. My heart physically aches and nothing I try and do stops that hurt. I can't even explain it properly. I feel empty. Incomplete. Adrift. And I feel like no-one around me understands and not for want of trying. I mean, I know my family and friends try to understand - they have their own pain over losing her too. And no doubt it is painful for them to see me hurting. But it's not the same. No-one truly knows how I feel. It's such a basic human thing isn't it? To be pregnant, millions of people all over the world do it every single day. And yet I couldn't. I was the one responsible for growing her, for keeping her safe for 9 months - and I couldn't even do that properly. I know they tell me it was chromosomal and there was nothing we could have done - that it was 'just one of those things' but it doesn't take away any of that sense of failure. I let her down and then I let them take away her life.
What kind of mother does that make me?

You've gone.

Gone and left a beautiful hole in my heart.