Joy and Sorrow

I will not let the pain of her death overshadow her life. The joy and love she brought will forever outlive the pain of her loss.

 - Mary Young

I have read this quote before. It is one of the quotes used on Carly Marie's Babylost Calendar 2011. And it came back to me tonight during a conversation with my mum about Emily. I think I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog too but our conversation has made me want to touch on it again tonight.

Most people assume that because my pregnancy ended in tragedy and despair that this is what describes it. There's that girl, you know the one that lost her baby. So tragic. And whilst its true that not having a baby to bring home is indeed tragic and causes more despair than words can adequately convey I also have so many happy and positive feelings associated with my pregnancy. And it's nice to speak about these times and remember them too.

I remember the conversation my partner and I had when we decided to try for our first baby, to start our family. It sort of came out of the blue. Don't get me wrong in the 8 years we have been together we have always spoke about our future family but this was different - this wasn't about 'one day' this was about 'today'. We decided the time was right and I remember being so excited! I am a planner, a list maker and I started straight away. I spent hours in the following days looking on baby websites, daydreaming about cots and prams, blankets and bottles, teddies and trinkets. We discussed possible names for hours on end, never finding one that we actually agreed on and eagerly planned how the spare room would look as a nursery. Excited was an understatement of how we both felt!

I also remember vividly the day we told our parents. We had my mum come over and when we told her 'Your going to be a granny' she shrieked with happiness! She hugged me and cried and then hugged my partner and said 'Well Done'. Then we all laughed at her. We took the dogs to the local park and the whole hour we were walking she couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sure who was more excited!

I remember laughing so much at my partners face when we had our private scan at 8w+4 - he had been so sure it would be twins (wishful thinking more than any kind of foresight) that when the sonographer said there was one baby he almost looked disappointed!

Or a few days before my 12 week scan when my mum and I had went shopping in town. We had just about finished when we decided we would take a wander into John Lewis and have a look at the baby section - in particular the cots because my mum had decided she wanted to buy her grandchilds cot and bedding. We ended up spending over an hour ohhhing and ahhhing at all the cute baby items they had and had a wander over to Mothercare where we ended up buying their 'Jungle Family' bedding because it was on special. I remember we had a conversation about whether it was OK to buy it or not because I hadn't had my scan yet and then dismissing our doubts as silly. Oh if only. What a perfect day we had, no worries just lots of happiness - looking forward to our future little bundle of joy.

And even when things were getting bad and we had the Turner Syndrome result confirmed I remember feeling also a strange kind of happiness that I was carrying the little girl I had wished for. My very own little princess.

It is these and many more moments, which at the time seemed just ordinary everyday happenings, that now fill me with a sense of comfort, joy and happiness.

She is my daughter and yes we lost her to Turner Syndrome and that has devastated our lives but she also brought us so much happiness that will never be forgotten..

Love you Emily xxx

On Joy and Sorrow

(Kahlil Gilbran)

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your

laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your

tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your

being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very

cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your

spirit, the very wood that was hollowed

with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into

your heart and you shall find it is only that

which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in

your heart, and you shall see that in truth

you are weeping for that which has been

your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than

sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is

the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits

alone with you at your board, remember

that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales be-

tween your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at

standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to

weigh his gold and his silver, needs must

your joy or your sorrow rise or fall