There is always something that manages to smack me in the face... every time I start to feel 'ok' something happens that knocks me down again.
I was feeling ok this morning, I was just about to get ready to go to the cemetery before I go to work this afternoon and checked my emails - I have one that says 'Is your nursery ready yet' and I felt the icy chills run down my spine and that crashing feeling...
Or like last week when I started back at work I was doing OK till I was clearing out my 600+ emails and came across one from one of my colleagues organising a collection to send me flowers and telling them about Emily. I actually collapsed off my chair and had to run out the office crying. I got sent home early.
Then the other night again in work I had been laughing and joking with colleagues getting on OK, I am on a phased return so working less hours so I said goodbye to them at 8pm and headed for the door only to walk right into my other colleague who is pregnant (due 4 weeks after I was) talking to someone else about how big her bump was - that was it - instant tears I had to sit in my car for over 20 minutes before I could gather myself enough to drive home.
I could keep going on and on with the examples!
Why does this happen? Every single time I think I am coping, getting on with things I get smacked in the face again! I know its only a stupid email but its made me feel so bad - like I'm upset now I've seen it but why wasnt I upset before it? How dare I be thinking I feel 'ok' when my daughter is dead.
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